Crank Theories And April Fool's Day, What better time to announce a new one?

I had intended to present my own "Crank Theory" today, in keeping with the spirit of april fool's, but after working on it a bit, I decided that the BEST way to play a joke on the cranks would be to actually give this theory the rigor that a real scientific theory would have (or more precisely, to give it as much rigor as possible, and then to fudge up the rest in order to make it appear to have all the rigor of a real scientific theory). In the spirit of April Fools, I'll present the title and abstract later tonight, but I'm afraid it's going to take me some time to complete all the maths (I'm going to need help with that, if anyone such as bm1957, AlphaNumeric, mr_homm, BenTheMan or Euler is interested, I'd appreciate the aid, but I do know a few people offline with math degrees who could aid me, if no-one's interested) and research. It's not incredibly complex math, it deals only with tachyon speeds and the speed of the earth rotation and orbit, along with the speed of the solar system around the center of the galaxy. The research itself is fairly simple stuff. I don't want to give too much away at this point, so I'll just hold off on talking about it until after I've published the abstract.

A day late, and with no fanfare...


A Possible Explanation of Psychic and Clairvoyant Abilities Through the Interaction of Neural Tissue With Tachyonic Particles.
Big D. Weirdo
Department of Esoteric Physical Studies, University of Ben Dover,
Ridiculousness Community College, P.O. Box 666 Counterjesus Lane, Skepticsville, FL 33404

Abstract
It is shown how* it is possible that the many reports of individuals manifesting psychic and clairvoyant abilities might be taken as factual, and not dismissed as a hoax or misunderstanding, as is the current consensus. By means of a hitherto unknown function of the perennial eye in human beings, tachyonic particles containing causality-violating information can be perceived, reflected and emitted in a manner depending on the specific neural electrical activity of the subject brain at the moment of interaction.
*This proposal assumes the existence of tachyons, and the existence of such abilities as described, assumptions which –if invalidated- would invalidate this proposal.


Just watch, it's going to redefine the sciences and win me a nobel prize!

YOU GRATFOOIL GIBERISH CHICKENBRAIN SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111/.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YUO FOOL??? YUO IS TEACHED BY ALPHA???

DO YUO NOT KNOE THAT CLAIREVOYANSE IS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO TACHYONIC PARTICLES??? TACHYONIC PARTICLES ARE RELATED TO CURVED SPAICETIMES, WHEN GEOMITRY IS CHANGED TACHYIONS MERGE AND SETS OFF CHAINE REACTION OF CHEMICAL TRIGGERS IN THE HUMAN BRAIN!!! UNDERSTOOD FOOL???/.

BIGWEIRDO THINKS TACKYONS DONOT EXIST, YES YUO IS RIDICULOSLY IDEOTIC YES????///..

GRATFOOL!!!!!1111oneoneone YU NO NOTHING OF TACYON PARTICELS!!!!!!!111
EXIST THEY IN MASS QUANTY PRODUCED BY BRAIN HUMAN PERUNIL GLAND IN THRD EYE!!!!!!111oneoneone
THIS IS NOT MAINSTREAM, MAINSTREAM TRY SUPRSS KNOLEGE OF MY THEREY, YOU SHOULD SUPPRT OR SEE NUCLEAR WAR!!!!!1111
SCIENCE TRY HIDE MY THEREY BUT MY THEREY SAVE THE WORLD FROM ANAL IATION!!!!!1111oneoneone

GRATFOOIL!!!!!!!!!!111111 YUO DONOT UNDERSTOOD THAT TOPOLOGICAL SPACETIMES AFFECT TACHYON DECAY>>>????!!!!!!!//. YUO UNDERSTAND THAT YOAR TEORY IS SUPRESED BY SMART MINDS WHO KNOE WAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT WHEN TEHY SPEAK OF TACHYONS??? NO?? THEN GET OUT FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

YES YUO IS RIDICULOUSLY PARANOID YES?? YES!!!!!!!!! HA, HA, HA

TOPOLOGY OF BARYONIC SUB-PARTICLES IN HYPERTENSE HIGGS FILD IS PERFICTLY MODILD BY MY THEREY!!!!!@@!!!!@!!!11@121112
YU NO NOTHING GRATFOPOL GIBBERSH CHIKNBRAN!!!!11111
SUPPORT MY THEREY OT WE ALL DED IN CHICKNPOX INFLEWNZI OUTBRAK!!!111
NUCLAR WART!!!!!!

Y'all better watch out, or you'll stick like that!

It's a sad sad day when I'm the voice of reason in a thread... Really.
Good god, this has got to be one of the most worthless theories every written. Seriously! It's crap. I don't buy it.
But I suppose it does have some potential to be funny.
Whodathunk that BigDumbo would turn out to be a crank, eh? Even an intentional one. It's not like the dude is an amateur sci-fi writer or artist who might be expected to be the type to love thinking about new theories and spaceships and crazy aliens and stuff! This dude is nothing but a full-on, closed minded skeptic who loves telling people how they're full of crap. That's why he does this stuff, not cause these folks he rails at fail to use logic and reason in coming up with their crap theories. He obviously just hates new, creative and interesting ideas!!! That's why I never saw this coming.
Y'all need to calm down now, or I'll lay the smackdown on one of you. I think BigDumbo's the one who's gonna end up gettin it, but I got my eye on you too, Doc.

He who hammers last, hammers best? I don't know about you, bud. Sometimes you are lucid enough, but really, this thread is supposed to be funny. Have you been drinking from DavidD's cup?

Ever since this guy showed up I get the feeling he's hinting around about something. It seems to me that he's more concerned with that than actually saying anything useful.

His hints may be too subtle for me, but I wish he'd get on over whatever bridge he wants to cross.

(Rather than say, "Sh!t, or get off the pot!")

I don't know who you guys were making fun of, but that was funny!

<singing childishly> BigDumbWeirdo's a cra-ank!

Hey, my theory is groundbreaking new work! You can't argue against it's unassailable logic, you can't show how it's wrong. It explains tachyons and reports of psychic abilities in clear, easy to understand logic. It's a top-down approach to the issues. It's simple, it's elegant, it's beautiful, and you're just afraid it will put all you physicists who wasted their time working on string theory out of a job.

After much thought I have concluded that BDW is indeed an Elfin geenious.

He may have thought this work was noncents but, If I understan his new ground baking theory and apply it to Hawkens theorie of information decay in black holes. then it seem obvious that the mis-information was never lost at all, it was just re-reemitted back into space and found it's way to human contiousness via the tachyonic particles containing causality-violating information. it was then percieved by the perennial eye in human beings and sent to the brain to be unscrambled. The unscrambling process causing a feeling of psychic and clairvoyant abilities. (in some people) depending on the specific neural electrical activity at the proper freequancy.

I think he just proved that Hawkens was wrong.. His mistake was in thinking that he was wrong in the first place when after he was right in the first place and that this only makes him wrong in the second place.

GRATFOOL!!!!!!! YUO NEVER DEFEET FAIRY THEORY AND ACCOMPANYING TACHYON THEORY!!!!!!!!!!! YUO IS DELUCIONAL AND OVERBLOWN EGO, YUO IGNORE DIRECT EVEDENCE AGAINST YUO!!!!!!!!!!!111111

UNDERSTAND FOOL?!//.